OSW // ISSUE #003
That’s the last block, dad!
Sure is, kiddo. We’ve worked on this project for months!
I can’t wait to see how it looks…
You place it.
Really!?
Yes - you should have the honour of finishing it.
Wow, thanks!
Here we go—
Clump!
Let’s go up high and take in the view!
…
Gasp
Whistle
It looks awesome!
It sure does. All those reference photos and schematics…
Double high five?
Heck yes - we make a great team!
Slap!
—aaarrr!
What was that?
Creeper?
No, the cat should scare those away.
Spider? Skeleton? Zombie?
I don’t think so, we have torches up.
—AAAARRRRR!
It’s getting closer—
Boomf, boomf!
The world is shaking! Daddy, I’m scared!
It’ll be ok, pumpkin… Must just be a glitch or something!
WAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
Oh, no…
War!?
CRAAAAASSSHHH!
Noooooo! You just ruined our daddy-daughter project!
WAAAHHH, WAAAHHH - SHUT UP, YOU FUCKIN’ NEEEEERRRRRRRD!
What did he say!?
Don’t listen to his pottymouth! How did you get into our private server!?
PIXELSHIT AND FROGSPAWN OPENED A BLACK HOLE BUT I FISTED THE RING SO HARD THAT I GOT SUCKED INTO ITS GAPE AND NOW I’M STUCK IN THIS BLOCKY DUMP!
… What!?
WHAT LAME-ASS GAME IS THIS, ANYWAY??
Minecraft!
MEIN KAMPF!? I DIDN’T KNOW PIXELSHIT IS A NAZI BUT THAT MAKES SENSE.
No, it’s Mine—
WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO A SNOT-NOSED KID ON A NAZI GAME? ARE YOU A PAEDOPHILE AS WELL AS A WHITE SOUP PHARMACIST!?
I’M HER DAD, YOU ASSH—
BOOORRRIIING! HEY, WHAT’S THAT THING!?
You mean the chest!?
WHAT DOES IT DO??
You store things in it!
…
GODDAMMIT, I’VE BEEN CARRYING ALL THIS HEAVY SHIT AROUND LIKE A THIRD WORLD DONKEY WHEN I COULDA JUST PUT IT ALL IN THERE!?
Get your own - we have diamonds in there!
DIAMONDS!? HOLY SHIT, I HIT THE JACKPOT! I’VE RAIDED A HUNDRED OF THESE NERD WORLDS AND YOURS IS THE SWANKIEST!
Daddy, make him go away!
Hey, uh… You want more loot? There’s tons outside!
No, there isn’t—
Shhh!
SHOW ME, OR I’LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND SHIT INTO YOUR NECK STUMP!
O-of course! Follow me.
…
WHERE ARE THE DIAMONDS??
They’re, uh, just through that purple portal over there…
IS THIS A TRICK!?
Absolutely not! Just go into the Nether portal, and you’ll find them.
OK, HERE WE GO…
WUB WUB, WUB WUB!
HEY, WHAT THE—!?
WHOOOOOOSH!
AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!
…
THUD!
OUCH - SUNNUVABITCH!
HEY… WHERE ARE THE DIAMONDS!?
GODDAMMIT, I FELL FOR THEIR BULLSHIT!
WAIT - WHERE AM I?
EVERYTHING IS SO RED AND ANGRY-LOOKIN! THERE’S LAVA FREAKIN EVERYWHERE! WHAT THE—
THERE’S ROTTING, ZOMBIE PIG-MEN! AND FLYING GHOSTS SPITTING FIREBALLS! AND GIANT, BLACK SKELETONS - NOT THAT IT MATTERS WHAT COLOUR THEY ARE!
FIRE, MONSTERS, AND AN IMPENDING SENSE OF DOOM…
D-DID THOSE FUCKERS SEND ME BACK TO 40,000AD!?
AM I REALLY IN THIS NUCLEAR FUCKING SHITHOLE AGAIN!?
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FUCKING SHOOT ME! I DON’T WANNA BE STUCK IN THIS FUCKING NIGHTMARE!
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT!
PIXELSHIT, YOU TIMELINE-RUINING, SELF-REPLICATING JAP’S-EYE!
QUIT DIDDLING YOURSELF AND GET US ALL THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!
SCREECH, WHOOSH!
HEY - SPIT ANOTHER FIREBALL AT ME AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS, YOU FLYING FUCKIN JELLYFISH!
WHOOSH!
OK, THAT DOES IT - THIS… IS… WAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
CRASH!
BANG!
WHALLOP!