OSW // ISSUE #001
Shall we bounce up and down together?
Yes, that sounds like fun!
Righto, here we go—
[…]
We don’t seem to be moving.
No, we’re staying very still…
Let me try.
Eager as always, Ms. Fannybottom! Go on then.
[…]
Hmmm, that’s it. It’s very long and hard, isn’t it?
Yes, but it doesn’t seem to be doing anything.
What about the knob?
I’m twisting it, but nothing’s happening.
Try flicking that—
[Psss]
Oh, I liked that! I’ll flick it again.
[Psss]
Eek, we’re bouncing up and down!
You’ve sussed it! I thought the hydraulics would be in the handbrake or gearstick.
Did Gordon source this lowrider for you?
Gordon?
Gordon Bennett.
It’s G-Spot, Ms. Fannybottom.
[Sigh] Did G-Spot get the car?
That he did.
I’ve been trying to get into the mindset of Cadillac Callejero, but he’s a tough nut to crack. We’re from very different backgrounds. He’s a principled man, and he commands respect from those around him - like me.
But I can’t put my finger on the man behind the mask. Where did he come from? Where will he go? Where did you come from, Callejero?
[…]
Then it hit me!
[Snap]
Cadillac Callejero!
You were hit by a car!?
No, I mean metaphysically.
Like many men, he’s fond of his vehicle.
He even based his moniker off of it.
Yes - though I don’t know who Monica is.
Anyway, I got hold of C.L.I.T. and asked for a ride to see what all the fuss is about.
What do you make of it?
It’s not my cup of tea.
I’m a sophisticated yet dangerous man. I appreciate the elegance of a European luxury sedan, whilst giving myself fully to the raw power and sex appeal of an American muscle car.
The lowrider doesn’t tick any boxes?
On a little boy’s Christmas list, perhaps. It’s a lifesize Hotwheels car, with a gaudy paintjob, and gimmicky hydraulics. Not to mention Old Bill follows me everywhere in this thing!
How does it rate against your Mini?
The Dickmobile? No comparison!
Classic engineering, rock-solid reliability, and a sterling reputation. There’s a reason they used 3 of the feisty little buggers in The Italian Job!
It is a bit small, though…
Size isn’t everything, Ms. Fannybottom.
Callejero can have his fuzzy dice, eyesore upholstery, and obnoxious subwoofers. Between his tattoos, his bling, and his sequinned gear, he’s all about image.
His Cadillac is just a status symbol. He rolls through life, hoping that if he’s ever challenged, he can just whip out a couple of tricks, and he’ll blag his way through.
My Mini is a no-frills workhorse. She’s long in the tooth, with a lot of mileage, but she still gets me from A to B, and keeps on ticking.
My emissions are better than his, too.
[…]
So, you’re saying that you’ll beat Callejero at Ring King… Because your car is better than his?
It’s a man thing, Ms. Fannybottom.
By the time we cross the finish line, Callejero will be… Exhaust-ed!